I have been wanting to write again for so long. I have wanted to convert the tears i have been shedding for not being able to enjoy the perks of being a better half. I have wanted to convert the anger that filled me at many times that I felt I should have deserved more. I would have wanted to convert the many times I felt degraded for seem to be pushing myself often just to be wanted. I would have converted to words the crushing feeling of wanting to be at par with the one written on the top list.
But then again, at those many times that I felt so heavy, he manages to erase it with the measures that he can just give the most.
They say loving means being able to endure anything that comes with it. I have always asked myself, “to what extent should I understand?”. Many times also that I have pondered on the answer to that question. And at that many times, I again understood that there are things he cannot sacrifice for my sake.
I don’t have the normal relationship. I do not have a fairytale nor anything that is close to that. I have a reality that one can only imagine. I have something that paves more than loiter with him freely. I don’t have the luxury of dragging time with my quirms or luxury of planning moments.
No, I don’t have any of that.
But if you ask me if I am happy, I will say yes without even blinking. But I will admit to struggling ..and struggling a lot. I am struggling a lot with the little time given to me and the recognition for my existence. I am struggling of that fact that I will be pushed aside many times for bloodline. I am struggling a lot of the fact that at many times, I will have just to cry and understand.
But I will always be thankful for the efforts to erase the hurt that he knows that I am feeling. I will always be happy with the time he spends with me, for i know to be able to give it entails a lot on his part.
We choose our own fate by the choices we make. I had mine and at that time I made that, it was what made me realize what happiness was. And keeping that happiness is a struggle, I must admit. I am loving this person beyond what loving is . That is the truth now . But to be able to sustain that happiness, I have to get back on loving myself again. I have not lost it, but i seemed to have been approaching the road. I do not wish to lose again what I have regained the hardest way.
This is all that I am .. this is how i love and carry myself. I give value to moments because time is something too painful to regret. I give much even if I get less because I have so much to give. And if such is not enough to make me be the same for them, I will not contest nor push myself more.
My feelings has been the source of what my mind decides on. Only my emotions will dictate the length of holding on to what I have now. This is love for me .. this is happiness for me no matter how different it is. I will always wish someday that I will be able to enjoy the perks of life with him just like most couples do. And as long as my heart will still want to wait and still feels love … it will always dictate the most challenging part of this journey —- to understand and endure.