They say that “to expect much means hurting yourself much.” I honestly wish i could prevent myself from doing that, just literally allow things to fall into places. Someone comes into your life and makes you feel good about yourself. Then you suddenly feel strong for that person and likewise. And before you know it, your guards are down again and we are back to square one.
I am in a new bond whose heart has always looked back to promises and words that was said over and over again. Yet, when the long wait was over.. there have been some setbacks on what I perceived happening. I just couldn’t get what I wanted..not at least the earliest possible time.
I do not wish to stop expecting. I believe, my past relationships kept failing because I allowed them to love me the way they did. In the long run, the truth of how you want to be taken cared of will just be something that you want to happen badly. How I take care will always be a reflection of how I want to be taken cared of.
Now, I see a figure who has the same blood as I have, a description i best can give for him. It feels good being able to know that he understands my constant need of adventure, so to speak. I didn’t feel the need to explain the element of spontaneity in all things, or even the sweet taste of danger. I didn’t feel the need to explain my constant need of self expression which may cause offense to others that I didn’t care much. I believe, I wanted something like this for long…someone i can enjoy life without minding a lot of perks.
Then I remember last night talking with friends that God gives you always what you wish . And sometimes, when you wish you have to be particular because you will not be getting what you did not ask for.
I asked for what I want badly and what makes me happy the most, but I forgot to exclude the complexities that may come with the person who fitted in picture.. It’s funny thinking about it really, but what i have now will really test my desire to pursue what i want the most.
I do not intend to expect the “normalcy” of events in every relationship. What i have now is not typical nor close to what i have before. I do not have the luxury of putting my foot down yet. In hours, the mind opened to what was real for me. Intending not to expect is one big challenge I have to endure, knowing that I am the type who knows exactly what i want at most times.
I think too much at times, like now. When I do, it mirrors mostly what i feel about. I know I am happy now ..but I admit to be struggling . But this was what I chose. And to risk losing what security I had before meant that I believe what I have now is better.. however uncertain it has become suddenly.
Nothing has happened yet for all the things I wished during the wait. Nothing that everyone would have expected except for the clarity we wanted and deserved. I am in a totally different scene I believe , only that I know is I want to be with this person than I did others.
I understand the delay…to how long..that i do not know. I can only wish that he remains sincere , continues to read my mind and make things real still . =)