No matter how strong a woman is, the minute she falls inlove..things get complicated right away. My tears fell yesterday wondering if all that has been invested was going along what was expected. I have said to myself, “this is not new to me..I should know better.” But then again, no matter how I know letting my guards down will hurt me bad…i still did.
As i sit now, still picking up a lot of wondering thoughts, i again reflected 3 years back when I felt so hurt that it seemed impossible to breathe. I told myself that I will not entertain anyone who will give me that again..or close to it.
Yes, i believed in a promise. I believe in a friendship that could flourish into something really beautiful. I believed in a love that seemed so sincere amidst the odds. I planned literally my life knowing that finally, there seemed a person i could see forever with. I built my happiness to having to share what i knew what enjoying life is.
But I seemed to have left believing. And no matter how much i deny it to myself, things are getting more obvious. What may have been so real now seemed just a fabric of an imagination…more hurtful to think that it was all a lie.
When a man loves you for real..he will make ways to make you feel special. You don’t have to doubt him even he’s not around because he will not let you. Your head will never ache wondering whether he will text you if you’re ok ..or what are you doing at time he knows your vacant…or will actually want to see you even for a while. And as I cry my tears finishing this one..i am in admission that none of these have been evident so far.. not even close.
In tears, i will hurdle the pain for a while. And as I do that, i will have to look back to what i left behind..to the plans i settled aside ..thinking that it was all worth the wait. I will not beg somebody for something I know I deserve. I will not let anyone again make me feel that I am unwanted. I will not let someone hurt me more than the hurt I am feeling now.
I will have my time to speak. At the time, that I won’t even attempt to beg for the chance to be with him. It’s easy to know when they don’t want you around, it’s the acceptance that’s hard and it’s turning your back that will take a lot of guts.
I will admit to falling inlove for there’s nothing else to describe it. I admit to falling too much by expecting that it was mutual. I admit to have been so gullible believing in words i wanted to hear. I admit to being so naive that falling for this person was what will make me happy. I admit that none of it was true. I admit now to hurting bad.
But with the little strength I have. I will not allow it to take all the best of what i have become. Even if I have to write again and again to be able to breathe then I will. The hurting will just have to end…it has to or I will never forgive myself for allowing them to build their fantasies in my expense again.
They say that “to expect much means hurting yourself much.” I honestly wish i could prevent myself from doing that, just literally allow things to fall into places. Someone comes into your life and makes you feel good about yourself. Then you suddenly feel strong for that person and likewise. And before you know it, your guards are down again and we are back to square one.
Then I remember last night talking with friends that God gives you always what you wish . And sometimes, when you wish you have to be particular because you will not be getting what you did not ask for.
I do not intend to expect the “normalcy” of events in every relationship. What i have now is not typical nor close to what i have before. I do not have the luxury of putting my foot down yet. In hours, the mind opened to what was real for me. Intending not to expect is one big challenge I have to endure, knowing that I am the type who knows exactly what i want at most times.
I understand the delay…to how long..that i do not know. I can only wish that he remains sincere , continues to read my mind and make things real still . =)