Yes for many months, i have lurked myself on the side. I just let all of everything fall into places. I let go of a love that i knew others perceived lasting. I let go of a man who was worth a lifetime.
And as much as his words to wait lingered in my thoughts, i saw it in my own eyes that he no longer held that. A new feme has been constantly in his images, wrapping her arms around his. Looking at it made my world stop a while, yes it did. It was odd but then i knew, he must have found the one he wanted me to be. I knew the new woman, on the backgrounds they whispered. As to the lasting love they both wanted, i wish them to that.
It made me breathe again. It was clear to me again what was meant for me. It wasn’t that person, no matter how loving he may seem. We were two different individuals even love can’t mask. And the difference just crawled into my system even he couldn’t make to meet even halfway. But regardless how it went, the usual coldness has settled in again.
I craved for the friendship. I missed the friendship that I knew wouldn’t be easy for him to give now …for reasons I could just only wonder. I know, he wouldn’t give time to drop by my place to show that he’s “landed” again, something he did always when we were just friends. The difference in views and principles gave us a strong friendship, looking out on the other side of life all the time. His was ideal, mind was real. There was no pressure of taking one of each in. It was good and it was nice. That I may have with other friends, it’s kinda sad missing it out with him.
But then again, things are what it is. And it is not me to push myself where I am not needed..even as a friend.
Being ready to love again is a choice but to have the guts to take the whole ride again … is another thing. It requires the heart to take the lead. There is no use looking back when it was your choice in the first place. There is no use watching over the hurt i have caused. I could not bring back what i risked breaking. I could only wish the comfort to be the same again. But like they say, everything happens for a reason..and things will just be in God’s perfect time.
Loved again. Lost again. But ready for another one who offers the same. I am grateful for the “seemingly” new chance. Let’s just wait and see..