(january 2005)

Did you have one particular moment in your life…you got to meet someone who you felt the magic with…so much magic that even if you only got to talk to that person, there’s an enchanted cord that binds you both…..so enchanted that even if you can’t get to that person at your most worst moments, that special person’s voice is enough to put your static soul in tranquillity….

well I have.. when I thought it was only for the meantime, while i’m healing a previous heartache, he became the source of my energy and the strength I held at times I felt hell…but when the magic seemed so real…it wasn’t that strong to last long…

for the hurting reason that it wasn’t meant to be..

 

but no matter how horrific it was to me…it was unbelievably shallow to a lot of people…who could blame them?…feelings surmounted with no solid foundation …friendship or special relationship was created over the phone…it seemed preposterous.

but it was real, god knows it was real to me…even more real than the relationships I built with some of the people around me…

but then again…it wasn’t real enough to last… I believe we get to meet persons for certain reasons…with this particular person, I still haven’t figured it out yet………

They say that the true strength of a person is seen when she gets up from a fall…. I have been though grieving for a loss who wasn’t even mine in the first place….i think I have…I must be…I say it with all conviction, I AM through with it all…

i adhere to a sent text message that… there are just some things in life you just have to give up…not because you didn’t want it ..but because something else is worth for you… sometime….somehow…

and now when I look back… it’s nice to remember the things that made it all special in the first place….i haven’t forgotten everything still…but I have already raised the white flag and accepted fate’s choice for the both of us…

as I read (and share parts only) the last pages of the diary which became my only confidant in those times the unbearable torment seemed endless …i read them again then able to smile …i still haven’t forgotten … but have moved on… in all honesty…

to read them is not to feel it all again…to read them is to realize that no matter how real it was at that time…if you have learned and gotten over it, you would realize … you will be able to smile and yeah, probably laugh, at all of it after all………

 

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january 11, 2005

10:36 pm  (edited –)

this will be the last time I will mourn about him.. this will be the last time I will get uncomfortable at night…this will be the last time I will be extra conscious of my phone…this will be the last time I will mourn…i will never fight the sadness that lingers but I shall no longer mourn.. i can’t let another person take away the love I have for myself.. I can’t let them take away the self-esteem I regained … not even him.. and to keep them from circling my thoughts… somebody told me I had to write them out…all the things I remember that would make me hold on………

….the way we planned on getting married and have kids

….the fascination we had and the excitement of having twins

…how we joked around about speaking to our mothers

…..how we spoke about relationships

.. how we argued about the existence of love at the age of 40

… how we talked about cheating partners and how to deal with it

…how he annoys me about my vanity

… how he laughed during Christmas eve when I called him “guapo”

… the way he wants to cure my allergy (rhinitis) by pinching it

… the 1st time I got a text message from him before I wake up (coz I said I’d love that)

… when he desperately wanted to give me a call at new year’s eve when the sun cellular line seemed to be in a bad mood

… when he feared his 3 year ______, and I would work overseas at that time

… the time when he told me he wore red boxer shorts for the 1st time in his graded tasks for luck

…when he checked the shooting range he’d be taking me to

… how we fantasized the moment I’ll be near his place for an important appointment

…the way we remember how we met and everything that happened after

…the time when he sent one of his men to follow me home to find out where I live ( I managed to get away, i didn’t even know I was being followed in the 1st place)

… when we talked at night until the sun rises (literally)

…..how he made me smile when I was upset

….how it felt good when he calls me “baby”

… when we prayed together (on the phone) the night of my nursing board exam

….and when he immediately called him when I texted him “ I am now officially joni marie v. patnugot, BSAM,BSN, RN “

 

… Now I can move on….now that I wrote all the things that circles my thoughts… then now should be kept aside…it is when I read them that I remember……..

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